A Secret Weapon for Dealing with Your Anger (due to Angry Parents)

The other day I was angry. Very angry.

I felt like I was being taken advantage of, I felt like I wasn’t appreciated, I felt like I was being slapped in the face, and the list goes on and on. The details don’t really matter in this blog post, though I’m sure you are wondering what could have happened. But what’s important is that I was angry and quite unhappy.

Because that’s what happens when we get angry. We get unhappy. It doesn’t matter who started it, maybe a parent is refusing to pay what they owe, maybe an adjudicator is showing favoritism, or maybe a family is accusing you of being greedy and selfish. The result of being angry is that we are unhappy and no longer at peace.

What Is Your Anger Doing to Your Students?

So, this trickles into our piano lessons. We get distracted by our anger while our student is playing the most beautiful interpretation of a Chopin prelude and we miss a rare moment to affirm their amazing efforts. We get busy thinking of how we are going to address the situation and miss those “aha!” moments when we can creatively think of an activity to help our student with the problem they have. We are short and curt with another parent who is trying to explain that Suzie didn’t get much practice this week because of some stressful situation at home. In short, our anger:

  • Stifles our creativity
  • Distracts us from enjoying the beauty of the present
  • Prevents us from empathizing with others

So this weekend, I happened upon a way to help myself during these moments where I’m tempted to stay angry. It was quite accidental, but it was so beautiful and simple that I wanted to share it with you for all those times when you deal with angry parents.

What’s the secret for getting rid of anger?

I wrote a thank you note.

Not to the person with whom I was irate. I wrote two thank you notes to two people that I should have thanked a few weeks ago. And granted, I didn’t write the thank you notes until after I had vented to my husband (which didn’t make me feel better, but it made me feel justified). But as I was writing them, I realized something…

There’s just something beautiful and magical that happens when you write a thank you note. Whatever ill-will you are feeling toward someone else melts away as you acknowledge in writing that someone else has contributed to where you are today. 

What else did I do?

That’s it. Nothing. It’s that simple and I don’t want to say much more about it because you won’t know how powerful it is until you try it. But the next time you are irate with a client or even mildly annoyed, try writing a thank you note, by hand, to someone that has helped you. It could be your piano tuner, a physical therapist that helped you feel better, a piano mom who is amazingly flexible, a neighbor who mowed your lawn, or a pharmacy tech who’s smile always makes you feel like a million dollars. All of these people are connected to you in some way and and have helped you to be what you are today.

So take a moment to experience the power of thanking someone.

And you’ll understand why I’m no longer angry.

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15 thoughts on “A Secret Weapon for Dealing with Your Anger (due to Angry Parents)”

  1. Beautiful, Wendy. We really don’t realize how much our anger or being annoyed spills over into our interactions with others who are not involved in the situation at all. I think one of the problems is that we don’t have time between students to process our feelings. In my case, as soon as one students goes out the music room door the next one pops out of their seat and comes on in…just as we’ve taught them to do. But that leaves us no time to take a deep breath, let go of the last lesson, and then connect within ourselves to the next student and what we want to accomplish with them. Hmm…something to think about. Maybe I need to change my between-students routine. In the meantime, the thank-you note is a great way to intervene into our less-gracious thoughts. Thanks for the idea.

  2. Yes,, Thank YOU for the reminder about thanking.. Now, this info has been around for a long time and can be found all over.. An interesting example as relates to a musician is the section in Victor Lamont Wooten’s [some say the world’s greatest bass player] book, “THE MUSIC LESSON”, in which he starts mentally thanking everything – his instrument, his teachers, his folks, his students. He thanks the metal in his strings for allowing itself to be forged and twisted and stretched, the bass for holding up under hundreds of pounds of tension, musicians in Europe centuries ago who worked out the mechanisms of notation.. All of that..

    He writes that it took about half-an-hour or so to completely thank all the elements of his existence that could think of and which he owes something to .. And at the end, he was in a transcendent state.. Yes, I’ve done that for a few minutes at a time and BOY, it is some remedy! But your experience which the personal thanking is wonderful also.. Definitely up for that.. And thanks again!

  3. George – Sounds like a great book. I’ll definitely look that up. Thanks for sharing the info from it. I’ll be sharing that idea with my students!!

  4. Yes, Barbara – THE MUSIC LESSON, by Victor Lamont Wooten – published in 2008. Get it on Amazon, or wherever.. And that’s just scratching the surface..

    Now, some may look askance at some of the mystical ‘touch-feely’ notions in the book.. But there are actually about eleven practical ‘exercises’, you could say, which are intended to get the music student or musician out of being stuck in ‘technique’ to the point of missing the actual joy of music. and into, or back into, creating music immediately, not merely “playing the instrument”…

    And, no, he doesn’t knock technique, just the quixotic emphasis in technique to the point of spoiling the actual enjoyment of creating music, or anything else.. Do follow up on it.. Thanks!

  5. Thanks again, George! I’m liking this book more and more already. I’m OK w/some of the mystical…I look forward to reading it.

  6. Great reminder to focus on thanking/serving others to help rid of our negative feelings. Thanks Wendy! And George, I’m going to check out that book too. Sounds like a good one! Thanks!

  7. Wendy,

    A physical act of thankfulness is a cure for anger so I am grateful today for the beautiful teachers who share their positive mind sets and ideas with all of us. You make a difference, Wendy!

  8. Wendy, I know it was not your intent to solicit thanks, and this is not a hand-written note, but I would like to thank you for your generosity of spirit. I have so enjoyed your helpful and fun suggestions for teaching.

    Thank you, George, for reminding me of THE MUSIC LESSON. I read it a few years ago, and it is wonderful.

  9. Thanks for that book recommendation, George! That’s even a better exercise than just a thank you note!

  10. Thank you so much Sam for your kind words. I definitely wasn’t trying solicit thanks, but your comment means a great deal to me and is very encouraging! I’m glad you enjoy the suggestions and can use them. That’s exactly why I share. Thank you for taking the time to write this!

  11. Great idea Wendy. I am definitely going to institute this “policy” into my life. Thanks for the reminder to be grateful and how it subdues anger.

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